Wars and History --- Part I

Americans love their wars and their generals. We go to war each five years in countries like Kuwait, Panama, or Granola to test new weapons. We used to have longer wars but we stopped because people got bored and cranky when the wars took television time away from game shows. We have found that if we limit our wars to small countries, for no more than one month's duration, there will be fewer complaints.

After wars are over, we forgive the enemy and encourage the homeless generals and presidents to move to the United States under special amnesty and grant programs. We also send in money as aid to restore the economy and to reimburse any families who may have had their oil-wells blown up.

The American government spends $950,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 a year on defense. Our largest expenditures are on supersonic bombers with names like Stallion, Phantom, Thunderchief, and The Green Hornet --- although a more recent trend is to give them numbers like European Sports Cars, viz., C-57, A-100, and --- the most redoubtable of them all --- V-8 (which carries several air-to-ground missiles filled with tomato juice).

Like computers, supersonic bombers become obsolete six to eight weeks after delivery, at which time Congress tells the military to build a more up-to-date model. These bombers usually fly at least once before they are decommissioned and sold off for scrap.

Soldiers Young men and women who could not be otherwise employed are encouraged to join the army when they turn eighteen. They are trained in weapon use, guerrilla warfare, and hand-to-hand combat. Unlike now, if the United States is between wars and has no plans for another for several years, soldiers have to wait until they are discharged to use their military expertise in locally dedicated combat zones (see INNER CITIES).

Military Budgets Years ago, when military budgets were being discussed in Congress, all the dollar signs and zeroes were gumming up the pages of The Congressional Record, allowing no room for inclusion of popular contemporary fiction known as "members' extended remarks." For this reason, Sam Nunn, Past Chair of the Senate Alarmed Services Sub-Committee, created a simpler military currency unit. Under this system, expenditures are not listed in dollars but in numbers of resulting jobs:

Military Item	Number of Jobs
100,000 doses of biochemical anthrax	5,000 Jobs
1,000 Nuclear Land Mines	10,000 Jobs
1 War, Limited (Far East)	100,000 Jobs
1 War, Limited (Middle East)	250,000 Jobs
1 World War	ą 10,000,000 Jobs

Our favorite wars were World War I where we made the World Safe for Democracy, World War II where we made the world safe for Coca-Cola, and the Korean War where we made the world safe for the TV series MASH. However, we didn't like the Viet Nam War because it went on too long and made college students smoke marijuana, march in the streets and grow too much hair because they were angry about their draft status.

The Viet Nam War did give us a few successes, however --- one being that it forced our most important actor, Marlon Brando, out of retirement so he could make a movie about how bad it was.

Each war gives us one or two favorite songs. WWI's were "You Must Sprinkle Me With Kisses/If You Want My Love To Grow" and "How're You Gonna Keep Them Down on the Farm After They've Seen Par-ee?" WWII's was "Rosie The Riveter," and "There'll Be White Cliffs Over the Bluebells of Dover." The Korean War was short, so it only produced one song: "Suicide Is Painless/It Brings On Many Changes." Another reason that we don't like the Viet Nam War was because, although it went on and on, it didn't give us beans for songs.