American Victory in Iraq | Epirus

The American government spends $950,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 a year on defense.

Our largest expenditures are on supersonic bombers with names like Stallion, Phantom, Thunderchief, and The Green Hornet --- although a more recent trend is to give them numbers like European Sports Cars, viz., C-57, A-100, and --- the most redoubtable of them all --- V-8 (which carries several air-to-ground missiles filled with tomato juice).

Like computers, supersonic bombers become obsolete six to eight weeks after delivery, at which time Congress tells the military to build a more up-to-date model. These bombers usually fly at least once before they are decommissioned and sold off for scrap.

When military budgets were being discussed in Congress, all the dollar signs and zeroes gummed up the pages of The Congressional Record, allowing no room for inclusion of popular contemporary fiction known as "members' extended remarks." For this reason the Senate Alarmed Services Sub-Committee created a simpler military currency unit, where expenditures are not listed in dollars but in Job Units:

Young American men and women who are not otherwise employed are encouraged to join the army when they turn eighteen. They are trained in weapon use, guerrilla warfare, and hand-to-hand combat.

We've recently offered them extra job security in the military: we permit them to retire from basic field work in the Middle East after being fatally wounded or after ten years of active service, whichever comes first.

After discharge, those who survive get to use their military expertise in what Homeland Security refers to as locally dedicated combat zones (see INNER CITIES).

Americans are fond of their wars. We used to go to war each five years in countries like Kuwait, Panama, or Granola to test new weapons. Until recently, we limited our conflicts to weeks or months because people got bored and cranky when these foreign interventions took television time away from game shows. We had come to believe that if we restricted our wars to small countries, for no more than one month's duration, there would be fewer complaints from viewers.

However, because of a series of victories by our troops in Iraq, we have stayed on to assure a steady supply of petroleum, to give the citizens in that country a taste of American democracy in action, and to allow our young folk a chance to enjoy a forested area in the city of Baghdad known as "The Green Zone."

After wars are over, we forgive the enemy and encourage homeless generals and presidents to move to the United States under special amnesty and grant programs. We also send in money as aid to restore the economy and to reimburse any families who may have had their oil-wells or pipe-lines blown up.

Our favorite wars were World War I where we made the World Safe for Democracy, World War II where we made the world safe for Coca-Cola, and the Korean War where we made the world safe for the TV series MASH.

However, we didn't like the Viet Nam War because it went on too long and made college students smoke marijuana, march in the streets and grow too much hair because they were angry about their draft status.

We are also a little uneasy about our newest war because adherents of the two sects of the Religion of Peace are blowing each other up at a tremendous rate. Projections indicate there may be no Iraqis left outside the Green Zone to enjoy the fruits of democracy when we depart in 2030.

A commentator, recently rephrasing King Epirus, stated, "Another victory like this and our goose is cooked."