American Pets

Americans love their pets. The all-time favorites are poodles, and there is even a saying, "It was raining cats and dogs and there were poodles in the street." There are pit-bulls that eat people, and Dachshunds that inspired the song, "Get A Long Little Doggie."

The new favorites are pet whales from Japan. Through biselective breeding --- that is, scientifically uniting minnow-marrow DNA and whale-bone RNA --- the Japanese have created miniature Killer Whales. Measuring no more than a finger-width from tooth to tip, they fit most home aquarium systems where they beg scraps of krill from their owners and squirt tiny water-spouts that help to aerate the tank.

A recent study found that the consumption of dog food per capita was more then twice the number of dogs in America (estimated at 50,000,000,000). Concerns were allayed when it was discovered that many older people were eating Purina Tender Vittles for lunch and Moist & Meaty for supper because these were not only cheaper, they were better tasting than fast food.

To protect animals we have "Animal Rights Groups." They blow up laboratories where scientists do experiments on dogs, cats, and rabbits. However, they don't mind if the scientists experiment with ferrets, skinks, geckoes, toads, blowfish, and other repulsive creatures.

We spend large sums keeping our dogs, cats and feathered friends happy and healthy. There are state-of-the-art animal hospitals like Rin-Tin-Tin General, The Big Bird Institutes of Health, and Old Dog Tray Memorial. These specialize in illnesses such as pawlsey, hypurrtension, furuncles, dogbone fever, cataracts, fleabitis, and Barkinson's Disease.

There is, too, the Pet State Mental Hospital chain dedicated to animals suffering from catatonia, schipperkemia, and bipolar-bear disorders. However, facilities are not limited to birds, cats, or dogs they also treat people who believe they are birds, cats, or dogs. Inasmuch as people come to resemble their pets, this is a much more common problem than most birds, cats, or dogs realize.

If you think you are a puppy and come in for a psychiatric examination at Pet State, they'll tell you to get off the couch.

During its first two centuries, the USA had a reckless attitude towards the well-being of its animal citizens, and many of us suffered as a result of this. The Passenger Pigeon, once found crowding 19th Century Club Cars, was wiped out when Amtrak discontinued full dinner service. The American Bison was named after a drab city in upstate New York and went into decline because it had wanted to be called "Nyack" or "Rahway" --- anything but Buffalo.

Great herds of wild Nuga, whose hides were prized for lining furniture in Mid-American Motels, were hunted to extinction by frontier upholsterers. The manufacture of feathered boas decimated the population of Boa-Tailed Grackles. Other national neglect made the Lesser Vermilion Flycatcher lesser than ever, forced the Downy Tit to don a blouse, and practically expunged the Blue-Footed Booby.

It was a dark time in the history of our country, and the less said about it the better. Especially in the presence of boobies, fly-catchers, grackles, tits, and pigeons.

Attitudes have changed in the recent years. No rare species today need fear for its feathers, fleece, pelt, hyde, or peace of mind. The spotted owl may frolic in the woods without fear of chain-saws, the habitat of the Grackle is as secure as money in a Savings-&-Loan. Tits are allowed to cavort in the buff, and, recently, the residents of Buffalo voted to change the city's name to Florence, Italy --- thus freeing the bison from its lifelong opprobrium.

Furthermore, under the Endangered Species Act, any species that considers itself endangered, abused, or just a bit under the weather may apply for a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts. Applications are judged on the basis of neatness, originality, timeliness, style, and ethnic diversity. Winners receive grants to take up Performance Art, which may be better than going extinct, but only slightly.

Because of the country's changing attitude towards its wildlife, the California Gay Whale has come back from the brink of extinction, and now stages massive annual Mammalian Pride parades through West Hollywood. Even more rewarding is the fact that Passenger Pigeons have been sighted on the New York-Washington Metroliner trying to get a Club Sandwich.

Because of the Endangered Species Act, birds are being given more and more power in America. One or two gnat-catchers can block whole dams, highways, or housing developments. The record is held by the Far Lesser Grebe of Boogalusa, LA which held up construction of the Mississippi River for hundreds of years while government and environmentalists wrangled over the wetlands issue. The grebe was finally ousted so that the river could be completed in time for the Louisiana Purchase, and it finished out its life in a scabby New Orleans bar (Le Oiseau Bleu), drinking screwdrivers, singing maudlin 19th Century songs ("Listen to the Mockingbird"), and standing drinks for every other bird in the house.