Improving RALPH's Business Image

FROM: Randy Greenberg
To: poo@cts.com
Subject: Improving Business for RALPH
Hello,
I am briefly reaching out to you today to see if there's a way I can improve business for your publication --- RALPH and additional offerings.
Good. We need some reaching out around here. Most of our staff are reaching inside their pockets to see if they have any spare change after buying lunch on what's left of their miserable salary. So while you are out reaching, do get us a Grant's. Or better, a grant. From the Ford Foundation, say.
For 25 years, we've partnered with publishers to help generate incremental revenue via telesales. Supplying your digital publication with new additional customers will help you reach your 2013 goals and allow your team to focus on other key initiatives. Our revenue generating applications fall into 2 general buckets:
Did you say buckets? Of incremental revenue? And goals? The only goals we have is the goal not to answer the telephone on bill collection day, while we are awaiting the goals from 1984 or even 1999 to catch up.
And you say we are gonna get "partnered." Our trusty Webster's doesn't show a listing for "partnered." "Partner," yes. And "partridge" ( the American ruffled grouse.) We also found an entry for the "partners desk," being "a large desk with an open kneehole which allows the use of the desk by two people seated opposite each other." If that's what you have in mind, remember that we are an extra twitchy bunch, especially around open kneeholes (and manholes). And also around people with goals.
1. We call expired subscribers and bring them back on board and/or we call your current subscribers and cross sell additional products/services (i.e. a print subscriber, driving them to a web subscription or attending a paid event). We of course also call brand new prospects for new subscriber acquisition to increase your readership.
You're going to nag our old subscribers to come back? All 351 of them? Good luck. We sent a letter recently inviting them to resubscribe; they ignored us, or wrote back to cite one of our less savory reviews; told us, as one did recently, in so many words, to "stuff it." Could maybe use some cross selling here? Big ones, old and hoary. With nails.
2. Advertising-based revenue - Are you monetizing your web content? Are you selling any online advertising? We drive ad-based revenue through lead generation/appointment setting. We qualify the advertising decision makers, introduce your value proposition and generate interest. If the prospect meets your criteria, we will take the call to a certain point and then schedule an appointment with one of your team members to close the deal.
There you go again. Our dictionary could come up with "mites" and "miters" and "mitreworts" and even "Mithras" (being the the Persian god of light.) But "monetizing." It don't exist, at least when they were making real dictionaries for real people who cared for the language. As for "team members," most of us here in reviewerland have a certain unexpressed antagonism towards these so-called "teams." When we are at Le Target and they announce "Attention, team members," we get the hell out in case they are planning to send over one of their 250-pound tackles before we get out the door.