Two Hotties

FROM: Elizabeth
TO: carlosamantea@yahoo.com
RE: Sarah and Suzy want a threesome with you tonight!
Dear Sir or Madam:
Sarah and Suzy have seen your profile and decided to message you.
Go here to see their profiles and chat with them right now at
http://bit.ly/Pj99St
When is the most recent time you tried a one night stand or a threesome?
Ladies you are about to meet here only want threesomes or one night stands
If you're interested, perhaps you should definitely check'em out ... you will NEVER be single again.
Go here to enjoy a one night stand with two hotties, tonight !

Dear Madam:
Please PUL-EEESE tell me where you found my "profile," the one that snagged sultry Sarah and sexy Suzy. In what strange nook or cranny of the internet did they find a shot of me to be so spellbinding? I must have it!
The last photograph I recall having produced for public consumption was taken for the U. S. State Department for a passport back in 1910, I mean, 2010. At that time the passport vendor was, I believe, being run by an older lady. No hottie, she!
Anyway, I peeked at my photo once it was in place and thought, "Buzzard." This is obviously a poltroon pretending for some reason to be me, I thought: "a fakery, a travesty, a sourpuss copycat geeze dropout phony fraud space-case dingbat! This can't be me," I thought. "Now you tell me that this very same picture has captured two "hotties," whatever that may be. Hottentots?
When you say you were going to "message" me, are you planning some sort of secret meeting at Western Union, where we will conjoin under ribbons of naughty communications? "Message me?" Rubbing me all over with a hot sultry texts at the Western Union office down on Broadway? Does Western Union still exist?
And what, pray tell, is "texting?" Ought I be wary, rather than just weary, my 78-year-old-bod on the edge of tipping over forever into the void? Will these "hotties" extend or distend my expected life span? Will they be safe with these old hands that have done (and undone) so much lingerie in the last three-quarters of a century?
A threesome? I expect with my angina we might think of it better as a two-and-a-half-some, and I do hope there are some defibrillators at hand with a couple of cartons of nitroglycerine to see us through the night. And please be sure that Susie and what's-her-name have gone through a full course of cardio emergency-in-home training in case their "messaging" overloads my stents.
And advise them that this one-night stand might take several months to come to fruition, assuming, with me daily knocking a Dr. Alzhenzimer's door, remembering that I don't remember to forget exactly who these hotties (sigh) may think I am. Or could have been. On second thought, I'd better stay at home safely in my Recliner Geri Chair with my books (we're re-doing all of Dickens this year), my favorite cat (Hodge), and my canary (Twitter-Belle).
Thanks for the generous offer anyway. You have filled my heart full with a rousing case of what-could-have-been ... had I a lot less bodily wear-and-tear under my belt.