Getting Rid of Arizona (Once and for All)

The problem of what to do with Arizona has vexed the rest of us here in the lower forty-eight for years, especially those of us who want to face our senior years with a maximum of decency and a minimum of fol-de-rol. Why we continually allow ourselves to be bedeviled by this one state --- "The Westmost Sahara of the Bozart" as H. L. Mencken might have it --- still confounds us.

The recent derisive put-down of our favorite musician, Prince, by the Sheriff of Maricopa County might make this a most opportune time for us to act. Those of us with some affection for what's left of our country might well consider petitioning Congress to render null and void the admission of Arizona as a state in 1907. It was the last of the original forty-eight to be brought into the fold, and I am suggesting that now is the time to revoke that decision --- to accept Arizona for what it has become: a public nuisance.

For having the Grand Canyon State an official part of our beloved republic is like having the proverbial mad uncle up there in the attic: floundering around all night, cursing, bumping into things, making it impossible for us down here to get a good night's sleep. We thereby suggest that the only obvious home for Arizona can, must, and should be the original titleholder.

We accept the fact that Mexico already has enough problems of its own, what with inflation, unemployment, and, perhaps, most perilous of then all, those diurnal invasions of beachside communities by armies of drunken, stoned American juvenile delinquents; those who lovingly refer to themselves as "party animals."

With all the new sword-rattlings from the rowdy Trumpeters on this side of the border, with their threats of yet another Berlin Wall --- perhaps the simple gift of Arizona to Mexico might stand as a peace offering, proving that not all of us here are eager to excoriate a country that has been a most obliging neighbor for the last century or so.

With the gift of this new-found acreage (an entire state!), we could be assuring Mexico and Mexicans that they still have our affection. And if we can remit it posthaste . . . we in turn should be willing to contribute a fair amount of our hard-earned tax monies to compensate them for this devilish new responsibility.

With some prodding from the U. S. Congress, we would hope that the Pentagon, with the usual covert assistance of the CIA, could commit to offer any number of new or used Minuteman, Atlas, or Titan missiles to assist our neighbors to maintain order in what would be their thirty-second state. It is obvious that this newest member of their republic would also give them, free, the pick of many thousands of oversized swimming pools, used copper mines, rattlesnakes, saguaros, geckos and nitwits.

One important final detail: If Congress and Mexico accept what we should call Operation Peacekeeper, we have to be sure that our partner to the south would agree to take on that noisy Sheriff Joe Arpaio off our hands without, as they say in the legal business, prejudice. We could ask no less.