A Brief, Silly History of Mexico --- II

While America was busy with the Civil War, the French landed at Very Cruz and marched on the capitol with wagons filled with baguettes and petits-fours. The defenders of Mexico expropriated the wagons, ate themselves silly, and were overrun. For some reason, France installed an Austrian duke named Maximillion as emperor of Mexico. He tried to change the country's name to Maxico, but couldn't persuade anyone because he didn't speak Spanish or French. After a while, the Mexican masses revolted, which was becoming something of a habit with them. The French left soon after although they are still remembered in Mexico for their pastries and French Fries. Duke Max was send back to Austria, Hungary, where he changed his name to Alma Mahler Werfel. Mexico was free again.

For the next fifty years or so, the country was ruled by Posterioso Díaz, who was elected President-for-Life every few years. President Díaz was influenced by a group of thinkers called the Científicos after they were taken aboard an alien spaceship. The aliens advised Pres. Díaz and his friends to sell everything in sight to American corporations and become very rich, a procedure which historians call "The First Wave."

The First Wave was going along swimmingly when the masses, or freons, who wanted a little land for themselves, revolted again. The revolt had three leaders. In the north, there was a famous fat bandido named "Pauncho" Villa; in the south, there was an actor named "Viva" Zapato, who looked strangely like Marlon Brando; and in the middle, a liberal politician named Maduro or Menudo or something. Under this leadership, the freons dressed up in white shirts and throngs, and waved machetes at President Díaz and the aliens, who promptly got back in their spaceship and left. The revolution made the Catholic Church and other large land owners nervous, but they didn't leave because their assets were too bulky to fit in a spaceship.

When the revolution was over, the Presidency went to Maduro or Menudo. Unfortunately, he was so indecisive he couldn't decide on his own name, so Pauncho Villa took over. When he dropped out, Viva Zapato became president for a day or two, but he got bored so his horse took over. Later, Viva's horse was lured into a courtyard and ambushed by his enemies. The freons say that the horse's ghost still rides the hills on dark nights. There were about thirty-nine presidents during this period, including several horses, and the people began to get tired of revolting. Before they were done, however, they wrote a new Constitution, called the Caramba Constitution. One section --- Article 27 --- was to be sung instead of read, and it went, "This land is your land/This land is my land." The song made Pres. C. Coolidge of the U. S. see Red, but since he couldn't speak in phrases longer than two words, he was unable to communicate his snit, so the matter was dropped.

The Mexican system is based on government parties like the Republicans and Democrats in the U. S. but combined into one party for simpler TV advertising. It's called the Fre (representing the freons) and is the only party allowed to win elections, although other parties are permitted to hold dances and sell T-shirts. Every six years, the outgoing Fre president devalues the peso. Shortly after, the incoming president finishes his semester at Harvard Business School and declares an austerity program. Historians refer to this sequence as "The Second Wave."

Progress continues apace in Mexico. Picturesque large farms grow traditional export crops: oranges, tomatoes, nachos, salsa, and refried beans. Other favored exports are Tobosco Sauce (made in Tobosco), Kaluhaha (a coffee-like liquor), and the Cha-Cha-Cha. Mexico is also famous for its tequila, jumping beans, Taco Bell (the telephone company), and the Mexican Hat Dance where natives don a hat and dance around it in loose shirts called "satraps."

The economy is further helped by Americans who fly to places like Acapulco and Cancan to get tanned on their beaches. This has become so profitable that the Sheraton and Hilton Hotel chains are buying up the rest of Mexico to make into a theme park for visiting American tourists. It will be called "Mexicoland," and will consist entirely of hotels, beaches, and picturesque scenes out of Mexican history. The natives will find gainful employment by playing "Cielito Lindo" on the marimba, wearing sombreros and long white shirts, and marching in revolt against the government. The national language will be Broken English. This will be known as "The Third Wave."